Alice’s Last Adventure

Alice laid on the floor, holding the proof sheet up to the light. After hours of scanning photos,  all the images looked the same. The model’s smile slightly bigger or smaller, one foot an inch farther ahead or behind, her white skirt billowing more or less in the artificial breeze created by the fan. Alice wondered why she spent so much time fretting over whether number five conveyed the whimsy she was going for better than number forty-five. Time wasted sweating in the studio with no air conditioning when she could be on a beach working on her tan.

She rose, hands on hips, and arched her back to reverse the stoop in her shoulders.  She slung forward at the hips, her hands grazed her toes, her nose touced her bare legs.  A pair of 3-D glasses on the floor caught her attention. She slipped them on as she swept upwards, turning the world red and blue and fuzzy.

Alice leaned over the work table and looked at the proofs through the glasses.  When she scanned the proofs fast enough, the model began to move with staccato steps.

The model’s hand reached up to brush at the magnolias woven in her hair. She whipped  her head, panic on her face. Alice grabbed her magnifying lens. A tiny bee buzzed around the model.  Alice squinted. The bee wore a black cape and crown and held a scepter with a red heart.  The bee jabbed at the model with its stinger.  Faint laughter broke the sweltering silence of the studio.  The model gathered up her flowing skirt and began to run, faster and faster, looking over her shoulder with the bee in pursuit  as the field gave way to a dark forest.

Alice flipped through the proof sheets, tracking the model’s progress. Alice watched the model stumble over a large root. She scrambled to get up, half running, half crawling, pushing branches out of her way as she fled her pursuer.

Alice raised her hand in the air, smashing it down on the proofs.  The bee splattered.

Alice tossed the 3-D glasses in the trash.

Play time was over. The queen was dead.

She looked back at the proof sheets debating between number five and forty-five.

 

This fiction was prompted by both this pictorial Red Writing Hood Meme prompt and the Bloggy Moms Writing Workshop prompt that asked we use the words magnolias, bee, a beach, and queen.

Concrit very welcome and appreciated.




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24 Responses to “Alice’s Last Adventure”

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  1. Kristin @ Peace, Love and Muesli
    Twitter: kristinglas
    says:

    The “slung forward at her hips” bit confused me, I didn’t get that she was bending over.
    I think a little bit more explaining the magic of the glasses would be welcome.
    I’m sorry the bee died, I like a bee with a cape and scepter.

    • Jessica Anne says:

      Thanks! Good to know when my word choices aren’t working. The word counts sometimes kill me. I need to do more with this one I think. Glad you liked the bee (me too) :)

  2. Carrie
    Twitter: Miss_Scarlett99
    says:

    I like this little story. I could see Alice, stuck in her studio, getting ehausted, all the images blurring together. And then, add in the glasses and the hallucination. Very fun!

    I think it could be stronger if you reworded some of the phrases. All the sentences begin the same way with “The model did this, the model did that.”

    For example: this line – The model gathered up her flowing skirt and began to run, faster and faster, looking over her shoulder with the bee in pursuit as the field gave way to a dark forest.

    could be stronger if it read – Gathering up her flowing skirt she began to run, faster and faster, looking over her shoulder with the bee in pursuit as the field gave way to a dark forest.

    Good job combining the two prompts. My bloggy moms goes up on Monday :)

    • Jessica Anne says:

      Thanks! I have a terrible tendency to not vary my sentence structure, so it really helps to have it pointed out with an example. Thank you! I’ll check out your bloggy moms on Monday!

  3. The Drama Mama
    Twitter: poopscoopinmama
    says:

    I love this!! I love the way you weaved the 2 prompts in, and made the bee a queen. I could totally see the little cape and the heart scepter. I was a little confused over the middle with the model running, but after reading it again, it became clear.

    I’m so happy to have you participating in the Bloggy Moms Workshop!!!

  4. CDG @ Move Over Mary Poppins!
    Twitter: MoveOverMaryP
    says:

    I love the charm and whimsy… slipping in to your imagination when you’ve gotten too focused on the task at hand. And you’ve done an admirable job of combining prompts.

    Kristin and Carrie covered the two critique issues well–no need to reiterate there.

    I think it would be fun to see where this goes unrestricted by a word count.

  5. Galit Breen
    Twitter: galitbreen
    says:

    Combining the two prompts made for such a fun story!

    I loved this line -Time wasted sweating in the studio with no air conditioning when she could be on a beach working on her tan- for the way it changed the scene for me, her feelings, her view.

    And the glasses and the whimsy that came with it? Love!

  6. Cheryl @ Mommypants
    Twitter: mommy_pants
    says:

    I liked the slip into imagination. I also like that bee!

    I concur with the other critiques; there were some awkward sentences, but overall, I liked it.

  7. Karen @ Time Crafted
    Twitter: TimeCrafted
    says:

    I really like the story within the story. I could see Alice, hot and patience wearing over the photo selection, And with kidlets who use their 3D glasses to read a few 3D books they have, I was completely able to follow her adventurous slip into a great daydream.

  8. Stephanie says:

    I read this “cold”… didn’t know anything about the prompts etc. I was immediately drawn in and could easily relate with Alice. Then I found myself smiling out loud as the story took some lovely unexpected turns. I thought it was delightful!

  9. angela
    Twitter: tiaras_trucks
    says:

    I like the whimsy here, letting her imagination run away with her when she’s a little bored with her task. I agree that some of the sentences read a little repetitively, but that’s easily edited :)

    Also, I like that she used the 3-D glasses to change her “perspective”; nice job!

    But Alice is brave to smash the bee. I am such a baby about them!

  10. Melanie
    Twitter: melanieb120
    says:

    I loved your take on the TRDC prompt and how you combined it with the other prompt. The imagery you gave us after she put on her 3-D glasses: That bee with her black cape and crown and scepter with the red heart chasing after the model who stumbled over a root – priceless! I saw it all and enjoyed it much. I’m still smiling, minutes afterwards.

    This is my first time visiting and I absolutely adore the look of your blog. I’m the opposite of you – Mom to 3 boys – but feel like I can relate to you alot having reading a couple of your other posts.

    Thanks for your comments earlier on my blog. So glad I stopped by!

  11. Jessica Anne says:

    Thank you so much! That’s so nice to hear!

    I think 3 kids, boys or girls, are probably a lot alike! Thanks for stopping by!

  12. Barbara Mascareno-Shaw
    Twitter: jbplbarbara
    says:

    I love how you incorporated all those words into the post. It was great to read all those descriptive words. If you write like this, well I can’t wait to read your novel. Happy writing!!! Do you also write children’s books?
    Have a great day,
    Barbara from Bloggy Moms Writer’s Workshop

  13. Chelle says:

    Great story! I winced when the model fell, like I could feel the pain of falling!

  14. Jessica Anne says:

    Thank you, Chelle!

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