Drowning

Where have I been the last 3 months?

I could say a lot of things. I could say I’ve been busy. Which is true, there was all the end of the school year chaos, preschool graduation for Ella, Samantha’s 7th birthday. I was elected to Samantha and Ella’s elementary school fundraising board and sit on the Parent Council as well as part of my duties. There was meeting after meeting after meeting at the end of the school year and into the summer. I started a summer book club for Samantha and her friends. Samantha had skateboarding camp. The pets got fleas. I decided to order fertile eggs and hatched 2 chicks. I’ve been going to the gym some, which is more than the none previously. I’ve been working Mondays. Sean had a new class of interns start leaving me with the girls 12/14 days by myself. Sammy gets up at 6 in the morning, the other 2 fight sleep until 9:30 or 10 pm, not leaving me with much time to myself to unwind. I published a short story, Saturday Morning Pancakes. And we just got back from Hawaii. It’s been a busy few months. But that’s not why I haven’t been writing or blogging.

I’ve been struggling with my depression again. I feel like I’m drowning all the time. I’m just below the surface, but my hands can’t break through. I can see the people around me, filtered and distorted by the refraction of the water, but I can’t reach them. I can’t connect. I can’t get a good breath. I’m separate and alone all the time. I go through the motions, when I can. Getting up, showering, dressing, taking care of the girls, making dinner. When I can’t, I sleep, the girls watch t.v., and we have cereal or orange mac n cheese for dinner.

I’ve been struggling with this beast for 3 1/2 years now and I’m feeling worn down. I’m on medication. Some days, some weeks are good. A lot of days are not. I wish it would just go away. Sometimes I wish I would just go away.

Early on I thought one day I would go back to relatively normal, to my normal, highly functional with only a few bad days scattered around the holidays or major stressful events. Now I don’t think so. This isn’t a fight or back alley brawl. This isn’t a battle. This is an epic war and I have to pace myself if I want to survive. At the end, I expect it to be like Vietnam, with no clear winner and nothing accomplished from all the bloodshed.

Why am I saying this? Really, I don’t know. But I’m tired of trying to hide it, of trying to pretend everything is peachy keen, and I’m going to start with this blog. This space is going to go through some changes. This is my place to be real and say what I think about whatever it is I want, depression, politics, current events, chickens, veterinary medicine, pets, writing, kids, serious, funny. I don’t know. I have one giveaway coming up, but after that, I’m not likely to do any more.

I’m evolving, changing, and this space will be a reflection of that. I hope you’ll stick around and see where it goes, but if not, I’d understand. When it comes down to it, I can only do what is right for me.


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About Jessica Anne

12 Responses to “Drowning”

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  1. Tracy says:

    Love me some truth telling! Keep writing and doing what you do! Much love!!!

  2. Jill says:

    I very much appreciate this post, having often felt the same way. Write and share what you need to, and I for one will definitely stick around!

  3. Nicole says:

    Oh Jessica… big, big hugs to you from a mommy who totally understands where you are. Kudos for speaking your mind and being honest! Keep writing and letting us know you are doing and we will all root for you!
    And please know that so many people love you <3

  4. Jen @ Lita's World
    Twitter: litasworld
    says:

    I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through!! Yes, please use this place to write what you need to, vent, share and most of all get love and support back! Sending you big, big hugs!!

  5. Amy H says:

    So sorry to hear about all of your struggles. My heart goes out to you. Thanks for your honesty. I love reading what you write no matter the topic. You will be in my thoughts & prayers.

  6. Elizabeth Boatright-Simon says:

    Love your honesty and love this blog that I never knew about. I think venting and sharing depressing thoughts is a great and totally legit use for the blog. You are a great writer! Keep it up. You are not alone.. you have many people to support you. Let me know if I can ever do anything. I am looking forward to reading more posts and getting to know you in person, too, through DS.