One of the common symptoms of depression is fatigue accompanied by insomnia. I have currently been enjoying both for a number of months. In addition to being exhausted during the day and unable to stay asleep at night, is a lack of restful sleep. If I do actually sleep or sleep in or get a good nap in, I don’t feel like I’ve slept at all. Ever.
On our recent trip to Hawaii, which was lovely, but would have been lovelier had I been sleeping well, I commented to Sean that perhaps I needed to take up speed. Granted, it’s illegal, but if I’m not going to sleep well anyway, I might as well have some energy and get things done. Right? Plus, I have a minor in chemistry and the internet, so I could probably figure out how to make it to start a little side business. Maybe pay for an addition to the house or something.
Then I recalled when I had viral meningitis this time last year (plus depression), I had some fantastic pain killers. They helped me sleep. So, after I wasn’t sick anymore and didn’t really need the pain killers, I thought, maybe I’ll try them to help me sleep. That didn’t work so well. I got the spins because I’m a light weight and I couldn’t sleep because I was nauseated. As has been my experience with alcohol and non-prescription meds, I don’t like feeling high. So speed probably isn’t going to be my best bet.
The talk of speed led Sean to suggest marijuana, which if I could get a prescription, would at least not be illegal, plus it might mellow me out a little. I countered with it being a depressant and all, kind of defeats the purpose. Also, as I’m at the heaviest I’ve been in my life, I don’t really need anything that would add to my ice cream or Cool Ranch Doritos cravings.
However, since my last post, more people have suggested medical marijuana, so I did some research. Turns out, at low, infrequent doses, it is an anti-depressant and one can legitimately get an Rx for it (you know, in liberal CA). Also, there’s an MMJ (that’s medical marijuana in “the community”) store I passed once near Hollywood and Highland. It’s right next to a psychic. I’ve always wanted to go to a psychic, so two birds, one stone (or stoned, as it were).
But then there’s the whole not enjoying the high feeling. Plus having to drive the kids around would put a damper on when I could smoke up (or vaporize or eat some brownies). And the whole having drugs in the house around kids and what kind of message that would send. So I thought, maybe I should hold off on the MMJ for a while.
Someone also suggested exercise. You know, exercise, release endorphins, feel good but not high. That whole thing. We recently rejoined our local YMCA for exactly this purpose, so I could exercise, lose some of this chub I’m carrying around. I’ve been sporadic about it. Some weeks 3-4 days, some 1-2, some not at all.
So I’ve decided exercise is where I’m going to start with my self-medicating, seems the safest and easiest, and I’m all about easy. I’m committing to 3-5 days a week with 2 days of weight training at least. My goals are to get sweating so those endorphins get released, be able to do 10 unassisted pull-ups (currently I need 85 pound counterweight to do three, so there’s some work there), and 25 good, on my toes push-ups. As an added bonus, they have free child care for 2 hours, so I can get some alone time, which I desperately need, and maybe I’ll lose some weight.
I also may take up coffee drinking. I don’t like coffee, but a new study says the caffeine in it has anti-depressant effects. We got one of those one cup little coffee machines from Amazon Fresh as an advertisement for their new service, so I ordered some mocha little pack thingies. I do like mochas, heavy on the chocolate part. Caffeine addiction is probably better than a pot or speed addiction.